


The Things That Settle in Water

by ardett



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Coming Out, Developing Friendships, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Unrequited Crush, and I mean that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:29:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29880468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: Nico finds his place on the team and secrets become more obvious.
Relationships: Nico di Angelo & Percy Jackson
Kudos: 4





	The Things That Settle in Water

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this for the [Secret Santas of Olympus project](https://secretsantasofolympus.tumblr.com/) in 2013, sooo like 8 years ago? so this is old old writing
> 
> here's the [tumblr post](https://ardett.tumblr.com/post/72250803045/this-thing) tho
> 
> trying to archive some of my old stuff properly on, well, archive
> 
> Posted: March 6th, 2021

Sadly, Percy can’t say he’s a terribly observant person. It pains him to admit it but he simply can’t deny that he misses some things that are glaringly obvious. When it comes to his friends, that’s when he feels the most guilt. He’s deadly afraid that they think he doesn’t care. And it’s not that, really! He just doesn’t notice if they change their habits slightly, if they’re just barely sick or under the weather and it kind of hurts, him and them, the way he doesn’t see. The way he overlooks those little things seems to force distance between him and others or rather, one person in particular, who seems to drift farther away with every word that Percy speaks.

And this person comes in the form of Nico Di Angelo.

*

Nico is at a point of indecision. The thing bringing about this inner turmoil is a sudden change in someone’s affliction for him. The worst part is that this person in the one, possibly the only one, who he could never push away, who he could never tell off, who he could never scream at. Yes, Percy Jackson is causing quite the problem for Nico and he can’t say he’s altogether partial to it. Or completely against it.

And so arises the indecision.

Nico yearns for Percy’s approval, to be worth a second glance, but it’s not as if he hasn’t grown used to being forgotten. So, when Percy suddenly, visibly, starts paying attention to him, watching his habits, making sure he doesn’t fade away from the group, it makes him more uneasy than anything else.

He’s not sure what changed in him or what clicked in Percy’s head but between the space of one breath and the next, Percy is everywhere and trying so, so hard to be in Nico’s life, as if he isn’t the crux of it already.

It started as all things start. In small ways that wander and spiral and last far longer than one ever intended.

*

Nico was in his room, lights off with only the glow of the moon glinting on his sword when he heard the creak of the board directly outside his room, obvious in the silence that he so often dwells in. He carefully stood by the door, balancing on the balls of his feet with a hand as a steady support on the wall and the other wrapped lightly around the handle of his blade. Perhaps at another time, he wouldn’t have acted in such a way, but now was a time when he feared his friends nearly as much as he feared any monster. That was the cost of keeping a secret such as his own. Not to mention the little known fact that he was almost certain that everyone was having dinner right now, as they always did at this time. Sure, he had been asked the first few times if he wanted to join the rest of them but refusal after refusal has finally given them the hint and they had backed off. So that was what mainly posed the question he was asking.

Who, or what, was turning the brass doorknob of his door?

Nico took a deep breath, hand tightening it’s grip as light streamed through the growing crack between the door and the wall. He mentally counted down.

Five, hands wiping on his jeans to make sure his fingers didn’t slip. Four, letting out a slow, shaky breath, Three, muscles tensing. Two, eyes narrowing. One, lunge!

Nico’s sword slashes down and stops, wavering a mere fingernail’s length away from the pale, white skin of…

"P-Percy?"

"Nico, hey." The iron is gently pushed toward the ground as Percy steps deftly into the room, all smiles that lighten the atmosphere and hair just as dark as the shadows covering the walls. He gives a quick glance around, making Nico feel like he’s being scrutinized, even though those eyes of sea green are everywhere but on him. Just when Nico feels the need to break the oppressing silence, opening his mouth to say something, Percy comments, "It’s kind of dark in here."

Any words Nico was planning on saying disappear behind a hand clapped over his lips because despite the fact that he can barely speak in Percy’s presence, the son of Posiden obviously has no qualms with saying foolish things in front of him. And it may or may not be laughter that he just struggled to contain.

"Makes for a better escape route when people come barging into my room." Nico smiles quietly, thinking that the way he acts around Percy needs to be fixed before someone notices the happy aura he practically radiates when he’s around. "What brings you to the dark side?"

"Well," Percy’s hands twist in front of him, clasping and unclasping in nervous fumbling. "I was kind of wondering if you wanted to come eat dinner. With the rest of us."

"Oh." Nico starts to withdraw, hesitation in every line of his body. "Look, Percy-"

"Please?" And Nico really wishes that anyone else had come to ask him instead because of all people to refuse, Percy Jackson was last on his list.

In fact, “Yeah, fine, I’ll come.” Percy wasn’t, and still isn’t, even on the list.

Perhaps it’s okay that Nico’s hands don’t stop shaking for the whole meal and that he hardly eats because it’s just the simplicity of being in the company of others that starts it all.

*

After that, things started to change. It’s so gradual at first, that it’s almost unnoticeable. Ever so slowly, Nico begins to say yes. It starts with simple requests, mainly ones made by Percy, like taking a walk or making breakfast. Then, as if merely spending time with Percy broke some kind of dark aura he had, other people start to ask him to participate as well. Jason wants to spar, Piper asks him to watch a horror film with her, Leo wants help redecorating, even Annabeth seeks him out to have him dispel the spider that crept into her room.

The strangest part, and perhaps the best, is the smiles. He was always the kid left on the outside. When he locked gazes with someone, it was always looks of distrust and disdain that he was met with. For the first time he can remember, he’s receiving smiles that appear with ease and eyes filled with laughter that doesn’t quell when he speaks. And that may be a life changing thing all on it’s own.

But there’s a catch. The kind Nico would have certainly avoided if he could stop now.

Nico is used to seeing concern etched on other people’s faces. Concern for themselves, that he was a danger to the general public, that his particular breed of hazard might be contagious if they got too close. Now, still, he sees concern on the faces that surround him. Concern for the unlikeliest of things. For him.

Spending time with the others took it’s toll. Everyone seems to like him considerably more now, now that they actually are getting to know him but along with knowing all his redeeming qualities, they notice that habits he possesses. Or maybe it’s just Percy who sees because it’s Percy who worries and it’s Percy who’s finding out more than Nico ever thought he was sharing.

When Nico eats less than usual, whether it be from nervousness, unease or something of the like, Percy quietly nudges him and asks if he’s feeling alright. When he wanders into the farther recesses of the ship, Percy’s voice calls his name down the hallways. When he doesn’t get quite enough sleep after a restless night overcome with visions of a dying sister, Percy lulls him back to sleep with soft spoken words and drowsy tones.

It’s nice really, to have someone who cares about him. It reminds him of his sister, in all honestly, which hurts almost as much as it helps. But it also terrifies him.

Never before did Nico have to worry about Percy. As notoriously least observant, the chances of Percy finding out were practically nonexistent. Annabeth, with piercing gray eyes that pick up all the little details, Piper, daughter of love herself, Leo, the only one not caught up in his own relationship, those were the people who Nico looked out most carefully for, who he made sure to hide himself most thoroughly from. Percy never seemed like one he would have to withdraw from but of all the things that Nico wishes for, he wishes that Percy will never find out the secret that has already been unwillingly exposed to one.

And he just can’t take the chance.

For the short amount of time he actually connected with these seven, it’s unnaturally hard to pull away from them and revert to who he was only a scant few weeks before. But he has to try, the fear that Percy might find out about his crush, might turn on him in hate or repulsion overwhelming. He’d rather be alone and hidden than known and hated. It feels like in the process of tearing himself away, he’s tearing his own heart strings because he’s in pain and it’s resonating with a thrumming pulse from the farthest reaches of his chest and it hurt, it really, really hurts.

But somehow he manages.

He avoids and hides until the sounds of the wind through the ship can’t be heard with snatched voices chanting his name and the color of the sea, of those eyes, begins to fade in his mind. Then, and only then, does he venture to the highest point of the ship. Only then does he let go.

*

Nico’s hands tangle in his hair, pulling harshly at the strands as he tries not to openly let out a scream, a sob, a whimper, a single sound of his anguish.

"I can’t do this." He says, even though he knows hearing it in his voice won’t make it a lie.

Maybe he could do it, do all of this, from hiding his feelings to being friends with the others, if he had Bianca. Bianca, who he knew would never have turned on him, no matter what he showed or uncovered about himself. “I wish you were here.” His head buries in his knees, arms wrapped around them as the tears finally start to fall and the rest of the world is blotted out by the sound of his uneven, heavy breaths.

"Nico." He feels the planks vibrate with footsteps a second before he hears the voice, the same calming tone as falling waves.

Except there’s nothing calming about it because that voice is precisely the one that Nico is trying so desperately to hide from and it seems that even when he hides, Percy always finds him at the worst moments. And that is most certainly not a good thing.

"H-How did you get up here?" Nico can practically hear the panic in his voice as he scrambles to his feet, along with the betraying crack in his words, if the tears on his face weren’t indicator enough. The saddest thing is that he was ninety-nine percent sure that Percy couldn’t find him up here because he’s literally on top of a mast and this particular one has nothing attached to it, only being accessible to him due to shadow travel. And Nico can only think of one person who could reach him up here.

"What are you doing up here?" His spine stiffens as he watches Jason appear next to Percy, blond hair and blue eyes looking like the brightest existing thing in the growing darkness.

Anger is something Nico is familiar with, something that seems to haunt his steps but he’s never felt a rush of rage such as this. It’s anger mixed with betrayal and humiliation and frustration and unhappiness and Nico is somewhere between wanting to die and wanting to kill someone.

But obviously Percy misses the hint.

"Where have you been, Nico? I thought we were doing okay but then you just… well, you just stopped."

"I wasn’t trying to be found." The words come out through gritted teeth, whether it be to restrain fury or sadness, he’s not quite sure. "I didn’t want to see you." He sees the confusion flit across Percy’s face and he knows he doesn’t get it.

"Well… Alright, fine, you don’t have to like me but I’m worried about you, Ni."

"I don’t need you to worry about me! In case you missed the memo, Jackson, you’re not my sister!" Nico sees the flinch, as if he lashed out with fists instead of words.

"Nico, if this is because-" He rounds on Jason, eyes blazing as strongly as the lightning the blond haired boy controls.

"Don’t you dare bring that into this!"

"I wasn’t-"

"In fact, why did you even bring him up here? You know how I feel! Couldn’t you have guessed why I wanted to be alone?"

"But that’s no reason to distance yourself from all of us!"

"It’s reason enough, alright?" Nico’s voice drops dramatically in volume, almost inaudible in the wind that always seems to howl at this height. "I… I can’t do it. I can’t go from this back to the looks people give me when I’m not here. And I can’t be almost free. It has to be all or nothing." The one secret weighs even heavier on his chest now, taking up the space of the other things that used to be unknown.

Percy’s voice is louder than hurricane winds, echoing in the back of Nico’s mind with ever increasing strength.

"Look, Nico, I know it may seem like I’m not paying attention or I don’t care but I want you know that I’m really trying. There’s like, this rift that’s growing between us and I don’t want that, okay? I’m really trying to fix all the times I’ve forgotten and I don’t know if that’s enough but I really, really hope it is."

"It’s not you, Percy. It was never you." Nico wants to scream because no one gets it and he just can’t tell. "It’s me, it’s always been me. I know you’re trying to be there for me, really I do, but there are some things I just can’t say." And judging by the look on Jason’s face, pitying and somber, Nico thinks he finally got it. "And I just can’t be near you and keep this secret. I’d rather just stay away."

"Forever?" He would never have thought that Percy’s eyes could look more like the sea but with actual tears, water gathering but not falling, Nico feels like he’s drowning.

"Maybe. Until I get over this." Until I get over you.

"There’s no shame in who you are." Nico can hardly believe the audacity of it all because there is no way Jason Grace can relate to him in any way, shape or form. Just like that, at the seeming flick of a switch, Nico’s anger reignites.

And when he explodes, he doesn’t mean to say it.

"Easy for you to say when you’re so undeniably straight!"

He really didn’t mean to say it.

Immediately, he withdraws, shadows swirling closer to him as he feels panic start to claw at his eyes, bringing unwilling tears of terror as he physically takes a step of fear away from Percy.

"That’s what you thought you couldn’t tell me?" The shadows creep farther up his arms, fingertips disappearing in cold darkness as he stares at the boy of the sea. "Did you really think I would care about something like that?"

"It’s not that simple-"

"Did you really think that I wouldn’t accept you?" The hurt is so obvious in Percy’s voice that all Nico can think is that he has to make him understand, make him understand why he would go to such lengths to hide this secret and he’s so past the point of return, he’ll do anything.

"It was you I fell in love with, Percy!" For the moment, there is silence, deep as the Pacific and cold as the Arctic.

"From the day I met you?" A flash of blond disappears over the side of the mast and he’s so far gone, he can’t even bring himself to care that Jason just up and left him.

"Yes." Nico wants to cry because what is he even doing, what is he even hoping for?

"You’ve always felt this way about me?" Unable to bring himself to speak again, all he can do is nod desolately, the pressure on his chest ever increasing. Percy’s eyes grow soft, no longer raging waves but the soft ebb of water against sand, and Nico gets the feeling Percy’s knows something he doesn’t. "So you haven’t changed at all." Percy’s hand seems to bring light as it reaches for his, dispelling the shadows he hides behind. A jolt runs through Nico’s fingers when Percy grips his hand and he tries to pull back, breath quickening, but Percy won’t relent, only tightening his hold. "You’re still the same Nico who I met on day one. You’re still the same Nico who once saved my life." Percy lifts Nico’s hand gently, pressing the open palm above his heart so Nico can feel it’s beat thrumming warmly against his cold skin. "And you’re still the same Nico who I considered one of my best friends. And that hasn’t changed and it never will."

Nico’s eyes fix on the ground, hot with the pain of tears behind them. Then, slowly, his fingers start to curl in, clenching the fabric of Percy’s sweater. A sob, somewhere between sadness and relief, breaks through his defenses and suddenly, he can’t stop. His body wracks with cries as he buries his face in Percy’s chest. He feels warmth pulling him closer as he starts to shake.

"S-Sorry." Is all he can manage to get out between tears and uneven breaths.

"No, never be sorry for who you are, alright, Ni?" Nico nods, trying to take deeper breaths, trying to remember how to not be sorry for who he is. "I’ve got you, okay? I’ve got you."

Nico still feels like he’s drowning but not in the suffocating sense. He feels like he’s surrounded by water, far under the surface, and it’s safe down here. And if this is what drowning feels like, he might never need to breath again.

And so, at the same time, it both starts and ends.


End file.
